Danger!

I found a new part of eBay called "Best of eBay" and stumbled across a funny disclosure/warning statement. The author, who sells a lot of things on eBay, is Ellen Dworsky. Her blog is at http://missivesfromthefrozentundra.blogspot.com/ but it looks like she stopped writing in August '07. Too bad.

Warning! Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

Items DO NOT come from a "smoke free" petless, hermetically sealed home. While the loft I just bought does not allow smoking inside—I still smoke. In addition, everything I own still smells as if it's been sitting in a smoky bar for ten years, which is not far from the truth. I also have a very fuzzy black and white cat who roams freely (and who once threw up in my shoe). This means items WILL smell of smoke and there will probably be cat hair floating around. In addition, old paper items are sometimes musty (Frankly, I'M allergic and am constantly sneezing). If any of the above is a problem for you, PLEASE do not bid.

In addition, if you think you may be overcome by a compulsion to mention unpleasant odors in feedback—or to ask for your money back—then it's a problem for you and you should refrain from bidding. And for those eBayers who have not heeded my warning to refrain from commenting on the smoky odor in feedback and warn other eBayers to read the disclaimer…sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

In response to a recent e-mail from an eBayer who did not bid but felt the need to lambaste me for my warning section and chide me for making her lapse into a coma, I should change the above statement to "Please do not bid, and not bidding without comments is preferable."

Other reasons to refrain from bidding:

1. You don't like my disclaimer and you think I must be a total wretch—I'm not, but if you don't find this disclaimer funny, albeit true, it is doubtful that I will be able to convince you I'm a good person.

2. You know you won't be satisfied with your item unless I refund all your money and let you keep the item for free—this I have done on a number of occasions and will always refund your money if you're not happy, but I'd prefer not to give away the store, so to speak, too often. You can figure out if you're the "can't be satisfied" type by counting the complaints you've lodged (whether mentally, verbally, or in writing) in the recent past. You can also ask yourself, say, if you've ever told somebody to quit breathing so loudly, sent back your lunch because the cilantro was askew on your bean burrito, or anything out of place in your house makes you break out in hives.

In response to numerous inquiries: No, I am NOT kidding about the above, though you are just as likely to get some of my hair taped to the package as the cat's hair. You will recognize it because it is long, curly, and thick. Have I mentioned that my essay "Jewish Hair" is going to be published in a literary journal? (Update: The world of lit journals is so slow, I'll be experiencing female pattern balding before I finally see my words on the page. In fact, one piece that was accepted five years ago—yes, five years ago, just came out in print a couple of months ago. Meanwhile, a piece in a book anthology should be out this month and another piece, oh, probably in a year.)

In response to another inquiry: No, your item does not include dust bunnies, but I don't know how many ways to say that you're going to get some cat hair and/or my hair. I will, however, endeavor to ship as little hair as possible. I am considering shaving the cat and my head before my warning section grows to book length.

Sigh. In response to three recent incidents: A couple of ladies have nicely suggested that I put the smoking warning first because they got all excited but then couldn't bid. Another nice lady bought from me and then saw the warning. Listen peeps, I'll always, always, always refund your money if you are not satisfied—whatever the reason for your dissatisfaction—but I gotta say that I'm getting a little frustrated. I think I'll write an essay about eBay, which would definitely include the lines, "If I ever found myself describing an item as 'shabby chic' or 'cottage chic' or, God help me 'chippy'—I'd make an appointment for deprogramming. I will also NOT inform you that something is 'collectible.' I think we're all smart enough to know what we collect and what we don't. And finally, I will not list items week after week and year after year that say I am selling my 'ex-husband's baseball collection.'"

I have resisted writing this next paragraph for a long time, and I'm sighing heavily now as I type: For the foreigners: I love you, I have lived among you in various countries over my lifetime and no, I will not ship out of the U.S. at the moment because it is a time consuming hassle and eBay is not my "real" job—if it were, I'd be living in a tent and stealing food out of my cat's mouth. Sending me argumentative e-mail or telling me that, "Other sellers ship outside the U.S." is not going to change my mind. I'm sorry. Have your American pals bid for you and I'll be happy to send it to them.

While we're on the subject of shipping, my shipping costs are extremely reasonable and are always listed. I almost ALWAYS COMBINE SHIPPING for items ending within a week of each other. Please refrain from sending me e-mails that ask me to ship things by pony express, (or whatever new/better/different way that you want me to send items) or e-mails that ask, "Why is shipping so much more [$8.95] on this lot, when it's only $4.60 on the other???" Not only do I resent the extra question marks, which imply I'm trying to rip people off, (or am stupid) but if said bidder had read the description, said bidder would not have had to send me this charming little question. Ok, ok, the description is long and one might be forgiven for missing pertinent information, but I'm holding my ground on what the extra question marks imply. The polite way to question shipping charges that seem so extreme that you're sure the seller has his/her head in a dark place is to say, "I'm wondering if the shipping charge of $10.00 for the 2 postcards you have listed is correct." Sadly, it probably is right and the seller is getting around eBay fees by charging an absurd amount for shipping. Personally, I just suck it up and pay eBay's fees rather than stick it to the unwitting, unconscious, or untried bidder.

Regarding tactics employed by eBayers that do not work on me: Repeatedly asking me to list something RIGHT NOW that I've said I don't have RIGHT NOW, doesn't work. DEMANDING that I do X, Y, or Z also does not work. While I am extremely accommodating and almost always say, "Yes" to requests, demands are just…strange. (And while I don't want to turn away business, I'm not the only seller on eBay.) Last time I looked, I was not an indentured servant.

Packing: I pack items to withstand a nuclear holocaust. I often use odd packing material. I've been known to use dresses (always cute ones), batik wall hangings, holiday hand towels (always in excellent condition). Don't worry, I WILL NOT use a disposable diaper (used or unused) which was how somebody sent me an item once—at least it was unused and had cartoon characters on it for that added bit of class.

P.S. Thanks for all the "fan mail" about my warning (and also the "reward/mercy" bids—a few people have told me that they bid on my item just because they liked my warning essay). Between eBay and my deadly dull day job (tech writing) I'm not getting much of my own writing done (although I have taken up slam poetry) and must use my creative writing skills in my listings. I do have a blog with links to stuff of mine that's been published so if you're interested:

12/31 update: Had to remove the link to my blog from my listings. Someone actually turned me in and I had a listing canceled. Man, what a spoilsport. Google my name: Ellen Dworsky, and you'll find me.

WARNING WITHIN A WARNING: I post the occasional snotty e-mail I get about my warnings on the listing for the world to see, along with my unfailingly polite reply.

A few thoughts about plagiarism: I make my living with words, I love words, I live for words. While I don't mind people posting my "Terms of Service" (and I use that phrase loosely) on various message boards—either to nail me to the cross or to laud me—but I do mind when a seller cuts and pastes my words and calls them his/her own in his/her listing (I saw this the other day on someone's listing and was appalled).

Cat update: Eddie-Small-Devil Kitty caught wind of my threat to shave him and has taken to glaring at me with a malevolent eye. Not only that, he's taken to crouching by my head when I'm sleeping and yowling in my ear.

Cat update 2: Worse than the evil eye: one night last month, I awoke to find Eddie staring at me. In his mouth, a dangling live mouse—which he then dropped in the bed with me as a little token of his love.

Cat update 3: I've gotten a ton of e-mail asking what happened after Eddie deposited the mouse next to me, so here's the rest of the story. When I saw the furry little rodent inches from my face, I sighed, sat up, and sighed some more. (Everyone in my family sighs.) While trying to figure out what to do, dear Edward picked up the mouse, jumped off the bed, and ran out of the room. When I got to the living room, he was batting it around, looking slightly bored. The mouse took refuge in my backpack, which fired Eddie up again. Eddie nosed around but the mouse was hiding under the pile 'o stuff I carry around with me. I waited for the mouse to come out, picked it up with a towel, and took it outside. Poor little guy wasn't in the best shape and may have gone to the happy hunting grounds in the sky where the mice are cat-sized and the cats are mouse-sized. (Update on the mouse: I think it lived. I saw a mouse in the alley with slightly lame back legs scampering around the dumpster)

Cat update 4: I went to Albuquerque to buy a loft in the old 1938 Albuquerque High School building and had to leave poor little Ed alone in the apartment for the first time in the ten years of his life. He is now completely traumatized and follows me everywhere. My next worry is him yowling all the way to Alb. in the car. My worry after that is him falling off the 2^nd floor of my new loft (no wall, just a railing).

Cat update 5: Eddie is now worried that once we move, he will starve because we will be "house poor." He is urging me to come up with some kind of sales pitch for an eBay listing like: "Feed the Starving Kitty. For your bid of $1.99, Eddie will send you a postcard from the road (from MN to NM) in which he details his complaints about car travel." I have told him I don't think people would believe the postcard was actually from him. He found this most disturbing. He thinks if I posted a picture of him writing a postcard, people would buy in droves.

Cat update #6: Eddie has been busily writing postcards. I haven't had the heart to tell him that nobody has requested one.

Cat update #7: Eddie did NOT enjoy the car trip to NM, even though he was traveling in style in a large kitty home that took up ¾ of the back seat. He does, however, love his new home and has to taken to walking along the steel support beams 10 feet above the ground when he's pissed at me (he knows I'm afraid he's going to fall; everybody assures me he is a CAT and will be fine).

Cat Update #8: A month and a half after Eddie and I have settled in New Mexico, requests are coming in for postcards from Eddie. Eddie says everybody had their chance for a postcard but nobody wanted one so… Then he said some really rude things that I won't repeat here. I threatened to wash his mouth out with soap but he bit my ankle and jumped up on the support beams where I couldn't reach him.